4:52 AM.
I am awake.
I know that it is dark and I know that I am tired, but I am awake.
Squeeze eyes shut, take deep breaths, tell yourself how comfortable and sleepy and sweet you are. Go back to sleep.
4:56 AM.
I am awake.
But wait- the fan is off!
Stumble into the dark, flip the switch, and fall back into bed. Go to sleep.
5:00 AM.
I am awake.
I kick aside extraneous pillows to make space for the fullness of me.
Peel off that sweatshirt to allow for maximum sprawling. Make a snow angel amongst the sheets. Go back to sleep.
5:04 AM.
5:08 AM.
5:12 AM.
Each increment is spent on a downward spiral thinking about that thing. That terrible, horrible, and awfully annoying thing. You cope in 3 distinct parts.
Part 1) Recount the events in extreme detail. Count on your perfect memory and ideal mental state for an objective and absolutely non-dramatic recollection.
Part 2) Begin a prayer, even though you aren’t sure if you’re asking for help or forgiveness and even though you don’t know who you’re praying to. Forget what you were doing. Tell yourself it is the thought that counts.
Part 3) Repeat Parts 1 and 2. Follow with Part 3.
5:16 AM.
I am awake.
There is only one more thing to do.
Ask Siri to play “12 Hours of Brown Noise” on Spotify. You will go back to sleep. You will put the thing to bed. You will go back to sleep.
(You don’t.)
5:36 AM.
I am awake.
I remind myself that some people choose to wake up at 5:36 AM and accept that today I am “some people.”
I decide that it is not a coincidence that Rev Coffee still opens at 6 AM on a national holiday.
I decide that since it is a holiday, it will be totally appropriate for me to fall asleep on the couch later this afternoon.
I decide to put on my favorite sweater.
I pack a book and a notebook and a laptop.
I eat a Poptart.
I get in my car.
I am awake.
6:00 AM.
Turn off the radio. Drive with the windows down. Hear the birds at the intersection.
6:08 AM.
Order black coffee. Pick a corner. Turn to a blank page.
6:20 AM.
Enjoy that they’re playing Classic Rock. Enjoy the pink peeking through branches. Realize something at the end of your sentence.
7:00 AM.
Feet are walking through the front door. Friendly voices continue to accompany Joan Jett and ACDC and the espresso machines grumbles and whirs. Dew is dripping from the windows and I am glad I chose to wear my favorite sweater.
I am glad I am having coffee.
I am glad I am awake.
Every thing will be okay.
Honestly, so real.